Most parents are acutely aware of how painful and destructive resentment and jealousy can be. They therefore try and make things better by being fair and equal in the way they treat their children. However, is it possible to treat children the same? If not then this approach is likely to cause great confusion. Each child may feel bad about the differences that cause them to fail to produce the same response as their sibling/s. Treating siblings the same does not celebrate that each child is uniquely different from the other siblings in the family.
Sadly the reason for the parents’ effort to treat the children the same is not understood by the children. Young children under the age of nine are usually not able to understand something from another person’s point of view. Indeed everyone may struggle to understand issues that are beyond their own personal experience and/or developmental capacity.
During the early years we teach our children set formulas of behaviour with regard to other peoples’ feelings but the young child’s understanding is superficial and limited to the specific circumstances they have been taught to identify.
So what is the child’s interpretation of the parents’ efforts to treat siblings in an equal and similar way? Quite simply they believe that the parent is illustrating that they want the children to be the same, why else would the parent treat siblings the same when they are so obviously different. i.e.in age, size, ability, personality, etc….. The child perceives this as the parents’ illustration of how much they value the similarities between siblings and the obvious conclusion is that they therefore do not value the differences and uniqueness of each individual child. Just in case you are still finding it difficult to get the true feel for the child’s view here is a simple scenario between adults:-
Jane has two best friends, Leslie and Alex. For Christmas she buys them each a book about wild flowers.
Has Jane reduced the likelihood of rivalry or jealousy between the two best friends?
When we actually question how we might feel in this situation it becomes easier to understand how children do not receive the support we are intending to present when we treat them the same. Trying to treat children identically can make jealousy and resentment worse for the following reasons:-
It is inappropriate to treat children of different ages and/or ability in the same way. As children grow older their needs become increasingly personally specific. Not to recognise and account for these differences illustrates that each child is not being appreciated for their own individual qualities.
It is also important that when we are able to treat children differently we do not ask or expect more than a child is, for whatever reason, able to attain. When we do regulate our expectations appropriately the child may become actively jealous or quietly resentful of the sibling for whom the expectations seem more easily met. When the parents’ expectations are too high it can create in the child feelings of not being good enough and failing to please the adult carer. It is not the amount of timeshare together that is measured by the child; it is the quality of time measured against their own personal needs.
The older child, for example, does not generally count how many times his mother goes to the baby or how long she spends carrying the baby, but he may feel upset when his request for help has been ignored and a moment later the adult immediately stops their own activity to attend to the baby’s needs. A logical conclusion from the older child’s point of view would be to wail or cry in the future when s/he needs or would like adult support. We then wonder why the older child appears to be regressing – moving away from his development of independence. Simple communication skills based on acknowledging the older child’s wishes could easily transform the situation into that of positive attention. For example . “I am sorry I am not willing/able to help you at this time but I will come as soon as I can……. I haven’t forgotten your request but I must go to the baby and we can talk again as soon as he is settled.”
Further difficulties can arise when a child does not receive a realistic illustration of cause and effect, for example in family life a child may be receiving attention related to what the sibling has done rather than his/her own behaviour/actions.
If children are presented with, and accept, the belief that life is fair and best when everyone gets the same………. They may grow to be very confused and unhappy in a world where everything is unique to each individual.
The more children are treated the same the more competitive they can become for special attention. This rivalry can be resolved by an unconsciously organised strategy (seen so commonly in twins) where one child gains attention by being notably co-operative and the other child gains attention by being notably un-corporative. Similarly when one child is going through a difficult phase the other will be particularly easy going and save the difficult processes for the time when the sibling has settled into an easier phase of development.
It is important to help children feel they are special and unique in themselves. They will then be less bothered by feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem when they noticed the differences between themselves and other children. Differences cannot in themselves be measured in terms of greater or lesser value .
When children feel confident that their individual needs are understood and attended to by the adult carers, they can feel pleased about being treated differently.
Treating siblings differently in terms of favouritism and different levels of loving care and intimate sharing can understandably undermine the children’s natural self-confidence. Unnatural and inauthentic interaction, even when it is designed to treat all siblings ‘fairly’ can illustrate that the adult carer does not consider the individual child’s needs, desires and interests. We all hope to be seen as a uniquely special individual, recognised for our own individual strengths and weaknesses. Sibling rivalry occurs when, for some reason, one or more of the siblings lacks self-confidence in their own individuality. The reasons for sibling rivalry and bullying may be due to an individual child’s inner disturbances or external experiences.
Compensatory behaviour and comforters just delude the carer into believing that the issues can be resolved without authentic responses. Sadly bullying and abuse is inevitably linked to a suppression of authenticity and the safety of Special Time communication. Even when direct inquiry and honest communication feels too harsh, a strong authentic reaction may be better than no adult acknowledging what they see. A clumsy effort may be the way that can start an honest way forward before it sinks too far out of reach.
The adult carers can be assured that loveand compassion, understanding and Special Time are the only ways to successfully address these issues of disharmony. Any genuinely motivated effort can begin to bring light into family issues related to either real or imaginary rivalry and distress.