The Topic of Discipline

The topic of discipline is commonly one of uncertainty and debate amongst adults holding responsibility for minors. Issues of discipline and holding boundaries are firstly related to safety; then there are issues of conforming to socially required behaviour, good habits and bad habits and finally the acquisition of inner discipline and social conscience.

Present a Good Example.

The first level of influence is ‘by example’, e.g. the parent who swears or smokes may find it very hard to dissuade minors from copying and the parent who is calm when provoked may encourage stable and thoughtful responses when their children feel stressed and disturbed by someone else’s behaviour.

Holding Boundaries

The second area of consideration is often that of parents and carer’s discerning what boundaries to hold for the good of the child, and furthermore how those boundaries on behaviour may be successfully upheld.

Boundaries can create a way toCome to a New Place Within Yourself

Boundaries need to be Authentic and Meaningful  – related to aspects of living

Boundaries need to come from – Genuine Involvement – as an illustration of doing your best to support and understand.

One of the most prominent philosophies practiced within the Creative Parenting Fellowship is that of ‘Change the environment not the behaviour’ this phrase emanated that the adult carer’s took responsibility for the children’s behaviour. In the first instance, organising and indeed reorganising the environment was discussed as an adult to adult issue for resolution. Every effort was made to provide an environmental support that could encourage positive social behaviour and interaction through play. The idea behind this approach is to organise an environment that gives minimal response to anti-social behaviour and encourages positive and creative interaction with the available environment. Boundaries were held as far as possible through geographical practicalities, such that social restraint was minimal and consequences were seen as a natural phenomenon. E.g:-

  • TV was only available as an adult chosen DVD with adult participation, at a time and day the adult/s considered appropriate.
  • Food was eaten while sitting at the table or possibly on a tray or outside on a blanket;
  • Quiet time in the home/camp area was from the time the youngest went to bed and boisterous children were taken outside into the garden grounds or out for a walk.
  • Antisocial behaviour in a communal area resulted in removal into a private or outdoor space.
  • Anti-social and destructive behaviour was allowed within a space that could safely accommodate it with our stressing other people, e.g. screaming and fighting (games) were allowed for those who chose to go into the designated area in order to participate.
  • Abusive behaviour was ‘rewarded’ with one to one adult supervision and a combination of any or all of the following consequences: exclusion in a quiet private space, special time, more strenuous and/or additional outdoor pursuits, greater support and focus on crafts and hobbies.

Libertarianism

The dictionary definition describes this as an advocate of liberty, a believer of free will. The libertarian parenting is based on allowing the child to grow up without any specific forms of control or discipline. The libertarian follows an idea that children should always be allowed to do whatever they want!…… Libertarian parenting is notably a hands off style of passive and submissive interaction in all situations. However, even in a libertarian environment, when two people disagree, someone is not going to be able to do or get exactly what they want. This doctrine sets up an impossible scenario in that there is no way of fairly accommodating how one person’s behaviour can disrupt another’s personal achievements, wishes or efforts. Libertarian freedom can be associated with freedom for those in the strongest position giving them the right to exert power and domination over others. Thus, Libertarianism can present a subtle and unsaid acceptance of bully – victim forms of social structuring and an ‘I win you lose’ attitude. Libertarianism does support self-directed learning but it may not encourage co-operative play and genuine compassion for others. Adults can easily fall into dull and shallow forms of interaction with their own children and sometimes overprotective behaviour towards those who do not give their children a similar libertarian form of interaction. The author has witnessed extreme levels of judgement and criticism towards other non-libertarianism parents who are choosing a different parenting style or a different approach to community interaction.

A loving attitude can encourage levels of freedom that support creative win-win solutions.

Libertarianism within the family is not reflected by our society where there are disciplinary consequences for anti-social behaviour. Indeed, sooner or later, children brought up in a libertarian household invariably meet strong forms of consequential community discipline. Corrective behaviour learnt outside of the family structure can be very effective because there are no artificial comfort zones. Anti-social behaviour within any social community is inevitably met with some form of exclusion. Thus the child/young person who wants to go out and enjoy sharing resources and activities with other members of the community soon learns about adverse consequences to anti-social behaviour.

In everyday living the libertarian approach to socially challenging and aggressive behaviour may be one of avoidance or simply ignoring the event as if it was not happening. Similarly libertarian parents may choose to ignore anti-social behaviour such as hitting, biting, bullying, screaming, swearing, etc. Even when this behaviour is presented towards, notably more able, older children or adults the recipient is left to respond as they wish. This attitude is not so passive in that:-

  • The recipient may feel very stressed or angry about the situation and not feel FREE to respond as they might wish. In this situation the child may be encouraged to use the said behaviour as a negative means of over powering others or gaining special attention. This situation may ultimately escalate until the child’s offending behaviour triggers an unpredictable and very frightening response from the recipient. The result of this defensive outburst may be emotionally damaging to both the offender and the recipient.
  • Furthermore the child offender may feel that the adult’s passive unresponsive attitude is a sign of approval or encouragement. Children are known to put pleasing their adult carer above every aspect of their own personal well-being. This desire to please the adult carer, at all cost, is seen to be especially strong in those children who do not have a secure or safe home environment.
  • The child may be imitating anti-social behaviour presented to them from their own carers. Thus, the child is likely to develop similarly abusive styles of behaviour.
  • Some children feel that if their carer does not attempt to discipline the child this passive response illustrates lack of parental care as a form of neglectful or unloving disposition towards the child.
  • The adult who does not take appropriate charge of an offending child may fail in their position of responsibility- not only to the offender but also those who might otherwise be hurt and/or offended by the child’s anti-social/abusive behaviour.

Thus libertarianism can be an excessively passive approach to parenting that can encourage abusive anti-social behaviour towards others either within or outside of the family members.

Discipline

Discipline is:-  a boundary,    a consequences         or a restraint; placed upon one person by another person. Usually discipline is placed by an adult/senior who is responsible for the care and wellbeing of a young or less skilled person.
Discipline is a temporary arrangement that may be held for a short or variable period of time i.e.                      temporary;                  variable in duration of time;              and repeated as many times as called for by the circumstances.
Discipline is generally initiated by love and upheld within the powers of love and light, working towards highest good.

Punishment

Punishment is a physical means of controlling a person’s behaviour. It always aims to presentsome form of discomfort to the one receiving the punishment. It is generally motivated by a negative, unloving, disposition within the person presenting the punishment. However, this negativity may not be acknowledged consciouslyby the person delivering the punishment and it may be derived form their own feelings associated with an issue around being unlovable and thereby unable to love others.

Abuse

Abuse is commonly found within institutional organisations, closed communities and families: parent to child, sibling to sibling. [Institutions are social systems of confinement that are controlled by those paid to manage the work associated with the level and style of confinement. Institutions are those that have dogmatic criteria for inclusion, all be it an educational, religious, cultural or spiritual perspective; for example: day and residential schools, family homes and official residential care homes for the mentally ill, physically handicapped and those ill and/or dying.

A conscious awareness and intellectual understanding of the difference between discipline, punishment and abuse can help those with care responsibilities to witness what type of response they are involved in presenting. Even hidden and subtle Issues of personal gain,personal agenda,fear based feelings and beliefs will directly influence how discipline can be disrupted and thus distorted into punishment or abuse.

We may all gain from taking the time to make a personal assessment of when healthy levels of discipline have eroded into punishment or abuse. Certainly, the adult that takes the time to witness negative behaviour without impulsive emotional and/or physical reaction can take the time to intellectually assess the situation and consciously organise a chosen and heart-full interactive responses, practical action and organisation of environmental boundaries.