Based on the work and teaching of the late Rachael Pinney who pioneered work on Creative Listening and Special Time.
1. If you want to listen to a child or you want a child to listen to you firstly make sure you are at the same eye level as the child so that natural eye contact can be established. This also avoids an intimidating standing over position may disturb the child’s confidence and thereby create a non communicative disposition.
2. Be honest about your ability to listen properly. ‘I’m sorry I can’t listen properly right now I will come and listen to you as soon as I can.’
3. When offering a listening space try to be still make eye contact and an authentic commitment of time, body and feelings.
4. When a child presents auditory communication Pause and take time to evaluate the degree of listening required for the response that is needed. Sometimes a momentary mmmmmm.or aha or the single word response is sufficient.
5. Sometimes a moment of eye contact for a brief moment of caring physical contact is more important than verbal responses and reassurance.
6. Reflect back to the child what you think they have said. This gives the child the opportunity to be confidently interpret what you have heard, qualify any misunderstandings. This reflective response to listening also gives the child time to consider what he had said from his own perspective of personal reasons, requests and responses.
7. Reflector and recap in a non judgmental way when one or more children have come to present their own views on a disagreement.
8. Never underestimate the depth of the child’s feelings or the amount of courage and effort associated with their communications. When this dialogue of Reflective Listening is successfully presented inevitably the children solve the problems themselves. reflection gives children time to assess their situation and their feelings more clearly.
9. Listening is hard work they in question how you are feeling yourself and what uncomfortable issues the Childs communication is bringing are within yourself at that time.
10. Similarly adults can reflect on their own behaviour and apologise when their own emotional issues have dominated communication and listening skills.
11. In situations where the adult cannot allow the child to do what he wants to do, firm boundaries can be presented from a compassionate place of listening and communication. For example the adult can simply say I’m sorry I can’t let you do that.’ This illustrates that the adult has thought about what the child wants to do and having acknowledged the child’s wishes communicates the adult perspective as regrettable but necessary. Hasty and/or intense attempts to control the child’s behaviour are seen by the child has a lack of understanding the consideration for the child’s level of desire, and the child becomes frustrated because he believes he has not been heard. It is important the adults communicate at the child that his desires are not able to be accommodated in the present situation.
12. Negative and disruptive feelings’ within the adult when they are more frightening for the child when they are not openly acknowledged, than when they are openly communicated.
For example I feel very angry that you scribbled on your bedroom wall or I feel very angry that you did not listen when I told you not to do it. These honest comments can helps the child realise that your anger is to do with their own or another person’s behaviour rather than rather than their personal existence, they themselves.

12 Points for Good Parenting

The best parenting skills are established through an ability to simplify

1) Simplifying Communication, a pause or uh, uh, or hmm or a simple yes

Simple Communication and Authenticity

This gives time for comprehension and conceptualising what is being said by the listener. When we present too much language to children, they are so busy listening to the verbal presentation, that their comprehension and subsequent responses are inhibited.

2) Simple requests: Children generally will relate to the last thing said, therefore for optimum understanding and positive responses present requests in a simple one at a time format.

3) Simple environments means – natural materials and colour schemes, opportunities to experience and explore natural surroundings and material and events through all the bodies senses, time to simply enjoy being in nature, learning and following natural rhythms.

The inverse ~ overstimulation. i.e. TV, video and computer. Toys that make shocking and or repetitive noises. Chaos & Clutter in the home.

4) Simple explanations and answers

Adults need to answer according to the child’s age, ability and interest.

If the answer is too simple the child will feel encouraged to ask another question

If the answer is too adult or complicated the child will be overwhelmed and their own path of enquiry will be disrupted or blocked.

If the child is asked to meet adult levels of social and emotional communication. i.e the mortgage is not paid/ the partner is abusive/ unfaithful. The adult feels disrespected etc. then the child learns that communication is related to adult drama and adult issues and this inhibits the natural space needed for the child to communicate and explore on his own desires, emotions and social interactions.

5) Simple Routines and Rhythms. When these are associated with natural aspects such as morning / afternoon/ evening / night-time, eg. When you have finished that game, we will need to …….. We can discuss going to the park after lunch….
When activities are contained within schedules structured on clock time, specific timetables and pre-fabricated structured curriculums, the children cannot follow their enthusiasms and rhythms associated with learning through play and child-directed exploration and experimentation.

6) Simple Clothes with the least possible restriction on physical movements and play activities, e.g. A specified wardrobe of every day play wear and another for really messy activities like playing in the mud or painting; velcro straps on shoes, light waterproof rainwear. Hooded jumpers instead of hats. Thick woollen stocks and Wellingtons.etc
[Research identifies toggled strings on clothes especially on the waist and hoods of coats as the cause of a high percentage of children’s accidents. ]

7) Simple and beautiful toys: the more natural and the less the toy does the greater the opportunity for the child to self-direct play in a creative and inventive manner. Children enjoy discovery learning which will supports their intellectual development. Most toys present a predetermined play potential and structure/style of learning. Simple environments and simple toys made with natural materials encourage children to develop their own styles of learning their own imaginative ideas and their own passions of interest.
[Rudolf Steiner promoted this aspect in children’s learning environments.]

8) Kindness
Acknowledge the child’s situation, communications and strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities. Avoid bribes and rewards (e.g. You can have a puppy when you stop sucking your thumb.), they inevitably cause the child stress and or unnecessary confusion about the real issue of concern. Provide positive responses – always create a yes; e.g. I’m sorry but I don’t want to buy that puppy, but when you grow up and live in your own house, then you can consider having a puppy of your own; or we’re not going to have a puppy, but you could ask to help look after …..(a friend or neighbour’s dog )

9) Choices: Instead of a no – give a positive choice. It is bath-time – would you like to have a few drops of lavender in the water or would you like have some plastic cartons to play with.
Two choices or something else that we both agree on. For example, ‘I am ready / I now have time to take you to the woods or to the park or somewhere else that we both agree on’ and ‘I’m sorry, I cannot let you do that, but you could try and find another choice that we can both agree on.’

10) Sharing activities together in a way that each persons age and ability is positively/usefully accommodated and appreciated.

11) Children need to gain practical experience in order to understand boundaries, expectations and morality. They need related information, instructions and examples to be presented repeatedly, clearly and simply..

12) Children need to gain practical experience in order to understand information, instructions and Illustrations.
They need information, instructions and Illustrations to be presented clearly and simply with accompanying good examples of behaviour to imitate.

12 Points for Scaffolding Children’s Learning

1) Encourage exploration and personal discovery instead of showing the learner how to do something or give him the answers

2) The Emotional environment is as important as the intellectual environment

3) Trust the child will know the right time to begin earning formal skills. For example children who begin reader later than considered normal normally devlelop greater comprehension skills and faster reading speeds.

4) Ask a question instead of giving the answer

Example: How do spell sat

Question what is difference between

Could you now have a go at spelling sat?

5) Find a way to show the information in concrete form instead of verbally describing a way to do it

6) Avoid presenting verbal interruptions or comments on what the learner is doing

7) Encourage the 3 Es Enthusiasm, exploration & experimentation

8) Avoid distracting children away from being focussed in the moment

9) Multisensory delivery of the material facilitates a higher potential for learning.

10) Child Directed Learning is natural to the child and results arte always superior to directed and copied rote learning techniques/ experiences

11) TV computer and video games provide entertainment, not learning

12) A good healthy diet promotes intellectual p

An ABC for Sharing, Caring and Creative Parenting

Foundations for the nurturing of empowerment as individual thinkers and independent personalities, successfully sharing happiness and co-operative social communion with each other, our planet earth and the source of all creation.
An adult apprenticeship into authentic attitudes of acceptance and appreciation.
Boredom brings the breaking of basic boundaries with boisterous behaviour.
Control cannot change challenging behaviour or stop others from creating challenging circumstances.
Challenges create the courage to co-operatively construct creative choices.
Compassion for children’s curiosity and creativity comes with calm communication and coordinated cooperation.
Discovering different dynamics for daily development.
Doing dynamic dancing.
Distraction disturbs and disrupts daily development.
Enthusiasm establishes easy enterprises of enjoyment.
Exploration, experimentation and enthusiasm are essential for everyday empowerment.
Excessive equality erodes the expression of our individual existence.
Freedom flows from flexibility and favourable feelings.
Family and friends facilitate feelings of friendship.
Gratitude grows in gardens of genuine goodness.
Hope and happiness help us to honour open-heartedness and honestly.
Happiness harmonises the brain hemispheres.

Innocence includes integrity, and inspires interest in individual ideas and ice-cream!

Joyously juggling jobs on the journey.

Kindness is the key to coping comfortably.

Listening and laughing, living and loving.

No is not negative when it is negotiable, nevertheless the nothingness of neglect creates a negative nature.

Patience to persevere, promotes productive processes.

Provide pleasing places for the promotion of play and playful propositions.

Providing positive responses pleases people.

Planning for perfection petrifies the present process.

Postponement punctures the passion of the present.

Playfulness precipitates pleasures and passions.

Pickled patience preserves the properties of the present.

Personal participation promotes perception, perseverance and playful perspectives.

Question the question to qualify and quantify the quest

‘Rong’ responses are a right part of learning.

Rigorous repetition requires rest and rejuvenation periods.

Rhythmic repetition builds reservoirs of remembrance.

Regular routines require respect for repetition and recognition of rhythms and religious feelings.

Situations supporting self-direct stimulate success and satisfaction.

Sweet spontaneous singing sooths the sleepy child and satisfies the soul.

Simple small steps sow the seeds of success.

Today’s taunting and teasing turns into tomorrow’s temper tantrums.

Treasures of time and togetherness are in today and tomorrow.

Understanding unhappy moments and underlying upsets.

Understanding is the ultimate uniqueness of unconditional love.

Wishes work well with wisdom – wishes are winning what we want with the wisdom to wait.

Watching what is wonderful.

EXtending into extra exercise and extra effort extends the extra into excellence.

EXciting experiences are exhausting and expensive.

EXamine excuses extensively to expose the exact explanation.

Yesterday’s yes is yet to be yours.

Zebras at the zoo zip through the zigzag zone !?.

Boundaries need to be Authentic and Meaningful – related to aspects of living

Boundaries coming from – Genuine Involvement – an illustration of doing your best

Boundaries create a way for you to Come to a New Place Within Yourself – an example of the art of being.

Abstract –involuntary –intuitive, spontaneous, imaginative, responding to feelings and sixth senses.

Concrete –voluntary – exploration, creativity, planning, problem solving, doing-actions, responding to
external stimulus, constructional activity.

It is easier to use the environment, e.g. social example, gentle guidance, positive associated experiences, to avoid or dissolve bad habits and/or anti social behaviour in young children (3-7) than to organise disciplines to correct behaviour in later years, when it is hard work and is difficult to ensure improvements.

When adults do not support their young children in the early years, the child’s own growing conscious discernment is likely to be overwhelmed by established behaviour patterns and the weight of associated experiences, feelings, fears, and anxieties, that have consequently built upon the initial attitude and behaviour.

For example a little girl would slap or hit people when she felt unsafe with their mood or behaviour. This action did not appear to involve genuine aggression or any specific desire to hurt or provoke retaliation. However, she often got defences and aggressive responses, which exceeded the intensity of her own behaviour. Thus, this Antisocial Behaviour was creating examples of aggressive social interaction and encouraging the young child to feel she needed to be able to develop levels of aggression and defence that would protect her in the future. Her level of cognitive development was not able to consider all the related elements of her situation at this young age her responces were limited to a simple survival level. Incidentally, this little girl’s cosy, comfortable, intimate sharing time with her family (adults and older children ) was normally whilst they were sitting down watching films on TV.

A child rarely consciously pre-meditates negative attitudes or behaviour. However, anti-social behaviour may become a learned attention seeking activity. It is important to the child is given help to find the desire to behave more socially, then the adult and child can work towards organizing strategies that will help the child establish positive social interaction.
For example a child wanted to operates a tailgate on a removal lorry and he repeatedly pushes the button when the adults are unloading.

The adults could say to the child “if I say ‘Stop’ can you stop? The child answers “yes” Together they do a test run of STOP and GO using the button that operates the tailgate. The child is then given permission to operate the tailgate her under the adults stop and go instructions. This focused occupation of the child’s participation may minimise the risk of accidents. If the child fails to do this task correctly he is given a different environment where he can play more safely. A further chance to opporate the tailgate can be given when an adult can give one to one supervision and facilitate that the child takes a step away for the switch on the STOP command and then steps forward again on the GO command. This stepping away helps the child not to ‘play’ with the button and unwittingly cause an accident.

When you live your life for your children (child) when do they get the chance to live for themselves.When you project your purpose for living on to your children you deny them permission to live their own life for themselves. When you live your life for yourself you give your children permission to live their lives for themselves rather than the need to please, satisfy, or bring purpose to others.
Creative parenting – as best you can.

1. The give and receive through a natural and authentic open hearted disposition. Give and receive eye contact from and through the heart.
2. ‘life wasn’t meant to be serious. Nurture the playful approach and share special time and reflective listening as every day experience.
3. Kindness and compassion and the intimacy of physical contact which expresses feelings of sharing with understanding.
4. Ask a practical questions relating to the present situation. This includes the classic questions how are you feeling right now, can I help you can’t we work together(with the issue in focus) to find a way that feels good for both of us/all of us.
5. Give clear instructions/information i.e. Boundaries and information about related choices
6. Avoid non essential verbal communication and repeating what you have already said . Children often pretend they are not listening in order to gain time to comprehend and find their own feelings and thoughts and organize how to present these through a language to form of communication .
7. Speak in the positive. E.g. ‘Don’t jump in the puddles I don’t want you to get your trousers wet and muddy’ –v- ‘Please go around the puddles so that you can keep your trousers warm and dry.
8. Pause after the child has spoken. Pause after you have spoken. Pausing for thought is an essential ingredient for language comprehension, genuine listening and authentic verbal expression.
9. Rest-change toa slower pace. Support the creation of quiet moments of stillness, letting go and breathing out.
10. Share your passions, celebrate together express gratitude or even in relation to the smallest things. When things get challenging and feelings become negative OR fear based find a way to express gratitude.
11. Firm boundaries are those that are held not controlled holding should be loving and kind heart based. Discipline is clear and there by derives too hard, dominating and thereby
suppressing the natural opportunities for learning through experience.
12. Teach by example this is the best resource for parent team teaching and sharing living and learning walk your talk. itis harder to forgive lethargy and ignorance than genuine misguided passions of commitment.

Recipe for love… the recipe for a successful relationship, which in my ideal recipe book is: Mix together in equal parts the following four ingredients –
Gratitude
Trust or faith (either will do, because they both create the binding effect of positivity)
Compassion
And humility,
Stir with love and bake gently in a warm hearted oven.
Celebrate sharing a little of this love cake often during each day, then you and those around you will always feel satisfied.
Only the heart can make your dreams come true.
Eye contact is an essential part of communication.

Examples of entertainment – those activities that support a specified repertoire of response to external stimulus and thereby limit personal and creative interaction..
1. Television
2. Small Lego
3. Repetitively reactive man made toys.
4. Junk food sweets and chocolate.
5. Over stimulating new and exciting environments.
6. Dominating adult speeds of activity and adult schedules.
7. Libertarianism
8. Rigid routines exclusive Of individuality a mechanical or theatrical style of response.
9. When the ‘don’t know’
response become a ‘yes’
orthe ‘you shouldn’t really’ response
becomes ‘it’s OK I’ll pretend I can’t see;’
then someone is hiding from their responsibility for themselves and/or others.
10. Too much verbal output creates verbal domination, intimidation, and/or feelings of overwhelm.
11. Adult initiated/motivated/enforced apprenticeship into clubs and classes,e.g. ballet or boxing. When attendances genuinely child motivated the activity will the child’s ability personality age and development in a empathy and genuine interests.
12. Adult entertainment-adults social events, cinema, theatre, dining out etc.

Disruptive Behaviour

Disruptive behaviour can be

• Unsuitable to the situation-eg wiping sticky fingers on new clothes for sale in shock
• Unsuitable to others present -Unsociable
• Potentially or actually causing physical harm to the environment to a person’s or events
• Potentially or actually likely to cause physical mental emotional damage the

Common causes
1. Unable to shut out unwanted stimulus.
Too much unfamiliar or a overbearing social interaction
In close proximity with people I don’t know or l feel uncomfortable with

2. Transition:-
Unable to meet the change/s in circumstances.
Loss of supporting companionship- mother, father, sibling, teacher, friend, familiar companions (child ,adult or pet!) and /or environment.
Unable to accommodate invading stimulus-
‘Oh what a wonderful castle do you see how that drawbridge is going up.’
‘Johnny is coming to paint with you.’
‘Is time to tidy up for lunch now.’
‘ No you can’t have a piece of this cake until Aunty comes to tea tomorrow.’
Unable to keep appropriate body temperature.
Ie.Too hot or too cold or to changeable.

3. Boredom –
Unable to motivate engagement in activity
Unable to respond naturally
Unable to relate to the environment in a way that feels right or is being requested of me.

Most parents/carers instinctively know that disruptive behaviour needs to be neutralised if the adverse results are to be minimised.
There are two opposite and equally extreme forms of interruption

There are two opposite and equally extreme forms of interruption

1 Rewards as a comforter.

Eg.Giving a treat such as Swedes, cakes, video or a new toy. This may work well at the time but it teaches the child that disruptive behaviour brings rewards and thus the child is motivated to instigate disruptive behaviour in order to gain a reward.
2 Domination/intimidation
-i.e.A stronger illustration of disruptive behaviour, i.e.screaming, shouting, violent and/or threatening behaviour.Whereby the person/s who wishes to stop/interrupt the disruptive behaviour create an even stronger more dominantly influential behaviour in order to win or regain control.
This usually works at the time, however, the child is motivated to develop higher levels of disruptive behaviour in the hope of winning in a future round. This method of highly affective domination over disruptive behaviour also motivates the disruptive child to learn from examplefurther even more effective skills of influence through an increasing confidence in the powers of anti-social behaviour.

So we come to the question of how to interrupt the negative behaviour without rewarding and without winning through domination.
• Seek to identify and alleviate the cause of the disruptive behaviour, why is this child unsettled, why is this child unable to engage in socially suitable activity – natural play and learning. It could be said that all disruptive behaviour is a call for some form of attention or help, or the expression of stress and anxiety. We must address the child’s underlying needsand identify-what survival issue is feeding this disruptive behaviour.
 
A list of possible reasons might be:-

I need to get back into feeling my body.

I need to be actively doing something meaningful to me.

My mind is over-active and going too fast I need everything to slow it down

I feel anxious and fearful; I need to get ready to protect myself.

I need to raise my adrenalin flow.

I need to be with someone I trust.

I do not feel safe in this situation.

This situation scares me because…..

This is not a safe and suitable play environment for me right now.

I need to run around and be boisterous

I need to get warm

I need youexpress the bad feeling I can feel inside you, NOW, so that I can feel prepared for the challenge, then I won’t be so hurt by you having an outburst of unpredictable and probably unreasonable behaviour.

I need you/everything to slow down.

I need you to, leave me alone/stop helping me.

I need rest, I’m tired

I can’t manage any more of this situation/experience.

I can’t manage what you are asking of me.

Something is happening inside me:- which does not feel good; that I can’t control; that I can’t understand; that I can’t explain to you!
I need some food, I’m hungry/ my blood-sugar level has dropped too low.
My body needs help I feel unwell/pain/discomfort.
 

Anger

Anger is associated with left-brain dominance which can create a dramatic,abstract or imaginatively fearful,view of the situation. Predominant abstract thinking may be caused by:-
Excessive language simulation;
Environmental over stimulation;
Lack of physical safety;fears related to primal/primitive issues of survival;
Oppressive environments that restrict freedom of movement and creative expression;and/or needs, comforts and desires;

Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, emotional disturbance, vulnerability, not feeling good enough to meet what is perceived as required, requested or demanded – overwhelmed by external demands.
Distress caused by separation from feelings related to a sense of wellbeing;
Issues of controlfuelled by primitive defences, male dominance;
Emotional disturbance and desire to control another person’s actions, to punish, to intimidate or get revenge.

High levels of hormones (e.g. adrenalin and testorone) that trigger chemical reactions in the brain and associated angry, aggressive and over reactive behaviour:-

In order to overcome anger one needs to instigate brain activity that integrates both left and right hemispheric brain activity. This can be done by using gentle, aesthetically beautiful or low stimulus environments that support chanting, singing, dancing, prayer,meditation, movement and physical exercise, creative activitybased on art or design, pictures or symbol and colour. Focused physical activity that uses:- co-ordination, strength, stamina, endurance. The ‘Tapping’(E.F.T)technique helps to clear feelings that are being suppressed.All these activities instigate right hemisphere brain activity and encourage hemispheric integration.
The following is a list of ways in which we can interrupt disruptive behaviour.The order of presentation is not specific as different circumstances will require a different style and order of response.  

1. Ask a question :-
How can I help you?; what would you like me to do?; Would you like me to………? Is there anything that would be good for me to know about? Is there anything that you have not told me? How are you feeling?What do you feel most uncomfortable about right now/at the moment?

2. Holding- (see separate section for more detail)

3. Change the environment (chart )

4. Blocking i.e. using your physical body to create a block between the disruptive person and the aspect of the environment most adversely affected.
Take firm hold of any object instrumental to the disruptive behaviour.
Create a physical boundary e.g. a door or screen or blanket between disruption and surrounding environment and/or persons.
Gently and firmly hold one or more wrists and with a warm hearted disposition give information using the very minimum of words and gentle, firm body language.

5. Gives two choices
Would you like to a or b?
You can….a or b -given a third choice is to present anything else that might be suitable to both of us.

Environmental stimulus

a. Sensory stimulus – assimilation of sensory information presented by the environment to the physical sensory receptors .

b. Concrete integration of sensory information – physical multi-sensory enrichment. Experiential experiences, constructional sensory-motor activity. Memory.

c. Abstract – thinking – conceptual understanding; feeling – energy, moods, disposition, attitude, and willing – desires, recall.

d. Creativity- imaginative integration of a, b, and c (sensory, concrete, and abstract) with authentic and unique aspect of personal individuality. The heart and soul connections that nurture, dreams, morals and beliefs, and initiate Spiritual experiences of reverence, compassion, gratitude and appreciation.

A four day experience of play and learning on a natural beach environment is described below as an example of the above theory in practise:-

Day one (a)
Mobility – sensory exploration, assessment of environment, testing and establishing boundaries, knowledge of the environmental geography.

Day two (b)
Increasing the sensory experiences by physical efforts that initiate gross motor interaction.
For example running away from the waves; splashing, diving, sitting in the shallow waves; throwing sand, digging a hole, covering yourself or someone else burying them in the sand; playing chase games on the sand, or in the water, stamping on shells and worm castings, collecting seaweed or driftwood for a fire, collecting other items from shore line old rope containers etc.. Sensory experiences upgraded to a maximum, exploring environmental and social aspects of control and testing boundaries. Excitement and enthusiasm, over enthusiastic, attention seeking /challenging behaviour seeking/engineering stronger sensory stimulus, a strong sense of action and reaction.

Day three (c)
Relating to the environment through creative activity.
Sand structures building and decorating them sandcastle waterways and three dimensional structures serving a waves with the with or without the search for learning to swim playing catch on the beach and or in the sea constructing a sun shade tent or winter break from sticks and stones and hotel building is and village designing.

Day four (d)
A day of relaxation, a heart felt accommodation of the previous three days experiences, recap and remembering , recall and meditation. Spiritual experiences of reverence, compassion, gratitude and appreciation.