12 Points of Simplification for Good Parenting
<Creative Parenting/ Creative Listening / Special Time>
The best parenting and teaching skills are established through an ability to simplify
- Simplifying Communication, a pause or uh, uh, or hmm or a simple yesSimple Communication and AuthenticityThis gives time for comprehension and conceptualising what is being said by the listener. When we present too much language to children, they are so busy listening to the verbal presentation, that their comprehension and subsequent responses are inhibited.
- Simple requests: Children generally will relate to the last thing said, therefore for optimum understanding and positive responses present requests in a simple one at a time format.
- Simple environments means – natural materials and colour schemes, opportunities to experience and explore natural surroundings and material and events through all the bodies senses, time to simply enjoy being in nature, learning and following natural rhythms.
The inverse ~ overstimulation. i.e. TV, video and computer. Toys that make shocking and or repetitive noises. Chaos & Clutter in the home. - Simple explanations and answersAdults need to answer according to the child’s age, ability and interest.If the answer is too simple the child will feel encouraged to ask another question and thereby establish greater clarity from their own perspective.
If the answer is too adult or complicated the child will be overwhelmed and their own path of enquiry will be disrupted or blocked.
If the child is asked to meet adult levels of social and emotional communication. i.e the mortgage is not paid/ the partner is abusive/ unfaithful. The adult feels disrespected etc. then the child learns that communication is related to adult drama and adult issues and this inhibits the natural space needed for the child to communicate and explore on his own desires, emotions and social interactions.
- Simple Routines and Rhythms. When these are associated with natural aspects such as morning / afternoon/ evening / night-time, eg. When you have finished that game, we will need to …….. We can discuss going to the park after lunch….
When activities are contained within schedules structured on clock time, specific timetables and pre-fabricated structured curriculums, the children cannot follow their enthusiasms and rhythms associated with learning through play and child-directed exploration and experimentation. -
Simple Clothes with the least possible restriction on physical movements and play activities, e.g. A specified wardrobe of every day play wear and another for really messy activities like playing in the mud or painting; velcro straps on shoes, light waterproof rainwear. Hooded jumpers instead of hats. Thick woollen stocks and Wellingtons.etc
[Research identifies toggled strings on clothes especially on the waist and hoods of coats as the cause of a high percentage of children’s accidents. ] - Simple and beautiful toys: the more natural and the less the toy does the greater the opportunity for the child to self-direct play in a creative and inventive manner. Children enjoy discovery learning which will supports their intellectual development. Most toys present a predetermined play potential and structure/style of learning. Simple environments and simple toys made with natural materials encourage children to develop their own styles of learning their own imaginative ideas and their own passions of interest.
[Rudolf Steiner promoted this aspect in children’s learning environments.] - Kindness
Acknowledge the child’s situation, communications and strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities. Avoid bribes and rewards (e.g. You can have a puppy when you stop sucking your thumb.), they inevitably cause the child stress and or unnecessary confusion about the real issue of concern. Provide positive responses – always create a yes; e.g. I’m sorry but I don’t want to buy that puppy, but when you grow up and live in your own house, then you can consider having a puppy of your own; or we’re not going to have a puppy, but you could ask to help look after …..(a friend or neighbour’s dog ) - Choices: Instead of a no – give a positive choice. It is bath-time – would you like to have a few drops of lavender in the water or would you like have some plastic cartons to play with.
Two choices or something else that we both agree on. For example, ‘I am ready / I now have time to take you to the woods or to the park or somewhere else that we both agree on’ and ‘I’m sorry, I cannot let you do that, but you could try and find another choice that we can both agree on.’ - Sharing activities together in a way that each person’s age and ability is positively/usefully accommodated and appreciated.
- Children need to gain practical experience in order to understand boundaries, expectations and morality. They need related information, instructions and examples to be presented repeatedly, clearly and simply.
Children need to gain practical experience in order to understand information, instructions and Illustrations.
They need information, instructions and Illustrations to be presented clearly and simply with accompanying good examples of behaviour to imitate. - ‘Change the environment not the behaviour’ this approach gives adults the opportunity to meet challenging behaviour with a creative solution that provides both the child and the adult with empowering options within any situation. Changing the environment liberates the child to freely engage in challenging behaviour within a safe and neutral environment. It is important the environment is neutral rather than actively encouraging.
For example children playing excitedly and noisily in the back of a car may become a dangerous distraction for the driver who will then wish to discipline the child/ren into quiet sensible behaviour. However, the children may be too young to control their excitement or too board to manage a long car journey. In these circumstances the adult would need to use a strong fear based discipline in order to override the child’s natural boisterous behaviour. For this example using the ‘Change the environment not the behaviour’ approach may mean pulling up outside a field and inviting the child to run around and play for a while. Then, when the child and adult feel the child can manage to sit quietly in the car, all can safely continue the journey. Alternative options to this scenario could include
Motorway service stops preferably with an outside children’s play area.
At worst the driver may stop the car and refuse to continue the journey until the passenger’s behaviour was appropriately safe and sensible.
Another example of challenging behaviour is when a child takes on smashing up toys. The ‘change the environment’ may mean that the adult removes the best toys and leaves the child to destroy the rest. Alternatively a batch of old or car boot toys may be provided in an allotted time and place where smashing up Ok but not going to be rewarded with special disciplinary adult responses.
For the most drastic cases of unacceptable behaviour the old fashioned response of removal into a different environment may be helpful. However, this removal should not present to the child feelings of isolation or exclusion, as so often seen with the naughty chair or stand in the corner approach. It is important the removal into a quieter or otherwise more supportive environment should include the adult carer e.g. the very young child can be placed on the adult’s lap, or the adult and child may both leave and return home together. The author often presents the example of when she was out shopping and after filling a trolley with shopping the behaviour of the child accompanying her became unmanageable so she left the trolley in the shop and they walked home together. [note that this child was probably unable to manage the extended time and stimulus presented by the supermarket shopping environment.
This ‘Change the environment not the behaviour’ approach is key to the ‘Creative Parenting’ philosophy. The success of this approach is dependent upon how creatively the adult can organise a ‘yes’ solution that suits all concerned – adult/s and child/ren.
Older children and teenagers can appreciate that a ‘yes’ environmental solution might need so time to organise ‘and that is life!’ A ‘No’ boundary is much easier to accept if a ‘Yes’ situation is in the foreseeable future. The creative Parenting approach presents that the request has been heard and that “I will let you know a soon as I can let you do/have what you want.” When the adult creates a natural pause due to circumstantial restrictions rather than a disciplinary ‘No’ then the cause for the behaviour can be witnessed and positively processed by all those involved.