Positive relationships are fundamental to every aspect of our life and the ability to integrate yin and yang energy is fundamental to all creative endeavours. The following twelve points are presented as supporting strategies.

1   Change the environment not the behaviour – It is generally much easier to change the environment than to control unacceptable behaviour. I.e. Better to leave the shopping in the shop than have a stand up fight in public at the checkout!

2   The art of ‘Listening’ ‘Owning’ our feelings protects others from adverse emotional reactions and a projection of our own feelings into someone else’s situation. This also gives others (especially our children) a good example to follow and hopefully an opportunity and/or permission to address their own feelings and wishes. Even if someone cannot verbalise their own feelings your willingness to give them a ‘listening space’ will reassure them of your care.

3   Authenticity eliminates dramatic reactions, helps clarify reasons and avoids unnecessary judgements and compromising.

4 Walk your talk – The best teacher is by example.

5 The uniqueness of the present moment. Every person, situation, and interaction is unique, don’t let past experiences and future expectations dominate your willingness to meet each new moment.

6  Win-win solutions  Information, questions and choices promote creative solutions which are never black or white or even grey, they are colourful and inspire interest and introspection.

7   Simple presentation of information improves communication and helps support the maintenance of appropriate boundaries.

8 ‘Natural play and learning’ is promoted in gentle natural environments that promote personal involvement in creativity,positive social experience and genuine interaction.

9 From the heart honour the intimacy of physical contact and genuine listening, even unwanted resistance can be met with love and compassion, and difficult boundaries can be held from the heart.

10 Avoid unnecessary chatter, and try not to repeat what you have said. Repetition presents emphasis, insistence, persuasion. Anyone who has genuinely not heard clearly will happily ask you to repeat. A child who has genuinely not heard will be otherwise engaged and you may do better to create an alternative approach to instigate an appropriate form of communication. A child who is choosing to ignore your communication will use making you repeat it over and over to maintain methods of postponement and gain unhealthy social skills of control, manipulation and disrespect.

11 Pause after you have spoken – This is especially important for children and in any situation where the speaker is acting as a carer. Pause after your child, or anyone you are looking after, has spoken to you. Without the pause no-one has any real time to comprehend and consider what they heard and how they feel they want to respond. Note that some children can also need a clear and pronounced amount of time in which to organise their comprehension of what has been said to them, before they can address what they might want to say as their reply. It is better to have a genuine response minutes, hours or even days later than a hurried and false immediate response.

12 Can I Help you? Outside of emergencies and environmental issues of safety, do not interfere with other people’s business – even your child’s business, unless your offer of help has been acknowledged positively. When anyone asks for help consider carefully how you can support without disempowering them. Avoid placing your own standards within anyone else’s situation or helpingin a way that prevents the person learning how to do it for themselves. This is a particularly common occurrence between adults and children and indeed all those with ‘carer’ responsibilities.

[The author heard this story about a terminally ill child who was at this time carried or pushed around in a wheel chair. When the Option Institute team were with him for his Sunrise programme in America, this boy illustrated that he wanted to ‘get himself out of his wheel chair’. It took him three days to do this successfully and one night, with the aid of the wheelchair, he also took himself to the toilet and back to bed. His inevitable death had a much sweeter taste now his own inner happiness was stronger. He was still keen to use a positive approach to his life, it was only his carers that had given up now that he was terminally ill. There are many outstanding stories of both children and adults who have had very little scope to embrace the joys of living due to illness or severe disability. However, many describe their lives positively and consider the everyday challenges as worthwhile, they value their limited independence and restricted personal choices just the same (or even more) than everyone else.]

When I feel love I see beauty. When I feel grace I hear comforting sounds. When I feel gratitude I perceive mercy. When I have faith I feel the compassion of His love.

Parenting – Principles and Intentions by Barry Neil Kaufman

Bears and his wife Samahria have brought up six children who have presented them with incredible challenges. In his article titled ‘Parenting by Intention’ Bears (Barry Neil Kaufman). presents that ‘When we express love we teach love’. In his article titled ‘The art of Mothering’, Bears describes his expression of love toward his own children as three Principles and three Intentions which he attributes to successful parenting and all relationships:-

‘Principle Number One: I never, ever try to save my children from their unhappiness….We attempt to save our children from their unhappiness as a way to love them, but in so doing, we actually teach them to use discomfort as a manipulative tool.’

‘Principle Number Two: I don’t owe my children anything….If only we did what we wanted to do as parents, the nature of our parent-child relationship would be radically transformed.’

‘Principle Number Three: I don’t spend any more time with my children than I want to…… Caring parenting, loving, powerful, and effective parenting have nothing to do with time.’

‘Intention No. 1: Make love the number one priority in all our parent/child relationships. That means , for instance, valuing feelings and expressions of love above grades, neat bedrooms, and an appropriate appearance.’

‘Intention No. 2: Be really present with our children. Most parents only half -listen when their children speak……As a result, we miss the subtle nuances and cues expressed by our sons and daughters.’

‘Intention No. 3: Express and teach gratitude….Feeling gratitude creates a wonderful internal experience; expressing it allows us to feel the full bloom of appreciation.

The principles and intentions described above are the very foundation of the courses presented at the Option Institute by Bears, his wife Samahria, and associates and they are essential to the Option Dialogue Technique taught at the Option Institute. ‘Love has many models and infinite pathways through which it can be expressed.’ (Cited in ‘The Art of Mothering’ in Mothering Magazine, Summer 1997 pages 22-29)

Creative parenting – as best you can

‘It is the heart that listens to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit’ [A Feast for Advent – Reflections for Christmas for every day in Advent by Delia Smith]

The author has found it valuable to discuss with parents the following suppositions:-

‘When you live your life for your children (child) when do they get the chance to live it for themselves?

When you project your purpose for living on to your children you deny them permission to live their own life. Their lives become focused within your own agendas, related to your own journey. If an adult carer presents that the most valid priority is that the child should please, satisfy, or bring purpose to others then the empowerment of the child as an individual is sure to be compromised.

When you live your life for yourself, you give your children permission to live their lives for themselves.’

The following list suggests what adults (the author and friends) found important to the development of empowerment within the co-dependent structures of family life or indeed any relationship.

• Give and receive through a natural and authentic open hearted disposition. Only give and receive eye contact from and through the heart. Eye contact can be a primitive form of subtle domination and/or a form of disempowerment if directed from a mental disposition rather than a genuine loving heart-full disposition.
• There is an answer to every puzzle in life, we just need to keep working on fitting the easy pieces together first!
• ‘Life wasn’t meant to be so serious.’ Nurture the playful approach and share ‘special time’and ‘reflective listening’ as an everyday experience.
• Kindness, compassion and the intimacy of physical contact helps us express feelings of sharing with understanding.
• When an issue arises ask a practical question relating to the present situation. This includes the classic questions: “How are you feeling right now? Can I help you? Can we work together to find a way that feels good for both of us/all of us?”
• Give clear instructions and information to communicate boundaries and information about related choices.
• Children often pretend they are not listening in order to gain time to comprehend and find their own feelings and thoughts; then organize how to present these through a language form of communication. For young people and adults this pretence that they have not heard what was said, is usually an aspect of postponement which may also give time to process some related emotions.
• Speak in the positive.  g. ‘Don’t jump in the puddles I don’t want you to get your trousers wet and muddy’ –v- ‘Please go around the puddles so that you can keep your trousers warm and dry.’
• Pausing for thought is an essential ingredient for language comprehension, genuine listening and authentic verbal expression.
• Rest-change to a slower pace. Support the creation of quiet moments of stillness, letting go and breathing out.
• Share your passions, celebrate together, express gratitude in relation to the smallest things. When things get challenging and feelings become negative or fear based, find a way to express something positive.
• Firm boundaries are those that are held not controlled, holding should be based on heart-full love and kindness. When discipline is severe and too hard, domination and suppression prevent natural opportunities for learning through experience.
• Teach by example this is the best resource for parents, team teaching, sharing and caring, and learning walk your talk. It is harder to forgive lethargy and ignorance than genuine misguided passions of commitment and endeavour.

The Puzzles of Life

Life is full of puzzles

Some easy and gratifying

Some difficult and the challenges bring satisfaction

Some seem unmanageable and it is hard to know when the best choice is to gracefully retreat.

However, there is the one puzzle that always satisfies our personality and abilities, in which every piece fits with perfect ease, all be it, the most complex and unpredictable puzzle of love. This puzzle challenges us to embracing life with patience, gratitude and prayer.