Creative Listening

Human communication naturally embraces aspects of spontaneous auditory reflection, recapping, recall and review.If reflection is going to be helpful and non-invasive it needs to be done from a passive rather than reactive disposition. If emotional feelings and judgements are present within the reflector the reflection will be more disruptive than helpful for all concerned. If adversity arises in the reflective listener it can be helpful to skip reflection and go on to the next option ‘ask a simple question’. 

12 Points for Good Listening.

Based on the work and teaching of the late Rachael Pinney who pioneered work on Creative Listening and Special Time.

1. If you want to listen to a child or you want a child to listen to you firstly make sure you are at the same eye level as the child so that natural eye contact can be established. This also avoids an intimidating standing over position may disturb the child’s confidence and thereby create a non-communicative disposition.
2. Be honest about your ability to listen properly. ‘I’m sorry I can’t listen properly right now I will come and listen to you as soon as I can.’
3. When offering a listening space try to be still make eye contact and an authentic commitment of time, body and feelings.
4. When a child presents auditory communication Pause and take time to evaluate the degree of listening required for the response that is needed. Sometimes a momentary mmmmmm.or aha or the single word response is sufficient.
5. Sometimes a moment of eye contact or a brief moment of caring physical contact is more important than verbal responses and reassurance.
6. Reflect back to the child what you think they have said. This gives the child the opportunity to be confidently interpret what you have heard, qualify any misunderstandings.  This reflective response to listening also gives the child time to consider what he had said from his own perspective of personal reasons, requests and responses.
7. Reflector and recap in a non-judgmental way when one or more children have come to present their own views on a disagreement.
8. Never underestimate the depth of the child’s feelings or the amount of courage and effort associated with their communications. When this dialogue of Reflective Listening is successfully presented inevitably the child solves problems for themselves.  Verbal and physical reflection gives children time to assess their situation and their feelings more clearly. Reflective communications when presented from a calm and compassionate disposition give the child a safe opportunity to access their own perspective and avoid resorting to reactive counter defensive behaviour
9. Listening is hard work try to also acknowledge how you are feeling yourself and what uncomfortable issues the Child’s communication is bringing up within yourself either at that time or later when you can give your feelings some care and consideration.
10. Similarly adults can reflect on their own behaviour and apologise when their own emotional issues have dominated communication and listening skills.
11. In situations where the adult cannot allow the child to do what he wants to do, firm boundaries can be presented from a compassionate place of listening and communication. For example the adult can simply say I’m sorry I can’t let you do that.’ This illustrates that the adult has thought about what the child wants to do and having acknowledged the child’s wishes communicates the adult perspective as regrettable but necessary.  Hasty and/or intense attempts to control the child’s behaviour are seen by the child has a lack of understanding the consideration for the child’s level of desire, and the child becomes frustrated because he believes he has not been   It is important the responsible adult communicates that in the present situation s/he is not able to accommodate certain identified desires and/or behavioural activity.
12. Negative and disruptive feelings within the adult are more frightening for the person/child when they are not openly acknowledged, than when they are openly acknowledged. For example, “I feel very angry that you scribbled on your bedroom wall; I feel very angry that you did not listen when I told you not to do it.” These honest comments can help the person/child realise that your anger is to do with the specific event/behaviour rather than the person/child themselves as precedence.

For example I feel very angry that you scribbled on your bedroom wall or I feel very angry that you did not listen when I told you not to do it.  These honest comments can help the child realise that your anger is to do with their own or another person’s behaviour rather than their personal existence and future relationship with the person who is angry. Anger is based upon a wrong belief ‘that we can use angry behaviour to establish control over another person’s future action’. This belief has no foundation outside of the subsequent consequences and boundaries of control that are motivated by the person’s anger and care for their own wellbeing and/or that of another person’s wellbeing. Creative Parenting is based on the belief that we can as adults creatively organise appropriate practical boundaries and suitable consequences in order to resolve conflicts without resorting to fear based abusive behaviour.